Day 19 - Unity and Covid-19

 

Today, I was listening to a radio program on one of those obscure AM stations that nobody but old men listen to. At least, that's what I always have believed. I had turned on the radio and it was on AM for some reason, and the person talking caught my interest, so I listened for a bit. He was a doctor who works for the CDC, and he was talking about the pandemic and the challenges the incoming administration will be facing in dealing with it. The host asked him "What do you think it will take for America to get a handle on the pandemic between now and when we can actually get enough people vaccinated for us to be able to breathe a bit more freely, so to speak?" The doctor, whose name I can't remember, laid out five obstacles we must overcome as a people in America in order for this to work, and all five must be accomplished in some way or the remaining ones won't be very effective--like trying to make a table stand up with one of it's legs missing.

1. We must be willing to social distance and wear masks consistently for a few months, without anybody going rogue and organizing an event with lots of people unmasked. No matter how much you might want to have that family reunion or that wedding with dozens of guests, it needs to be put off until after we have this under control. That could take up to another year, even if we do follow all these guidelines.

2. We must be willing to forget conspiracy theories about Covid that downplay the seriousness or infection rates, and that's going to be difficult, because when someone believes a conspiracy theory and another person tries to show them evidence that it's false, the person embracing the conspiracy theory will likely say "Well of course, that's what they want you to believe, but this article I read (on this obscure website) says different, so I'm not gonna do that."

3. We must be willing to put the health of others ahead of our own comfort. This means wearing a mask when you go out, even if it inconveniences you or makes you uncomfortable. It also means mentally bypassing messages you've heard that say masks don't work, and just wearing the mask. The idea of "I just want to live my life and accept the risks." is not putting the health of others first.

4. We have to be willing to put aside political differences that have been unfairly assigned to the pandemic itself. We can't make our decision to wear masks, social distance, or take precautions dependent on our political platform. Covid doesn't care if you are a Republican or Democrat, and it doesn't care about your "freedom".

5. We have to recognize that the way we have handled it the past year has been inconsistent across states, cities and even across neighborhoods. We all must work together and follow the same protocols as a UNIT, from Washington State to Florida State. If we don't, millions will die, and that is a fact whether you want it to be or not.

The five points he mentioned above were steps that we, as people would have to be willing to do on a personal level.

The doctor added on afterward, that these are not the only things that must happen. Steps will have to be taken to keep businesses in business, and commerce going during the time of "hunkering down". Other things will have to be addressed, as well. International travel will have to be shut down except in the most dire of circumstances, for example. Domestic travel may have to be limited to business only, and on flights with much fewer people on board. 

After listening to the broadcast, I had to wonder: Are we willing to do these things?

Day 18 - Unmasked

Two days until the inauguration of Joe Biden as the 46th president of the United States. I have noticed a level of anger and rage across social media like never before. There is, however, a psychological explanation for much of it, and it comes down to a cognitive function of the brain that controls the pleasure sensors.

 

A child with strict parents who gets to visit a friend with parents who let them get away with whatever they want will want to spend as much time with that friend as possible. If the child's parents find out about this, and say "You can't go over there anymore.", the child will likely throw a fit. It's because a primal emotional desire they had in their heart was allowed to flourish, stimulating pleasure sensors in their brain they had never been allowed to feel before...and now it will be taken away from them.

 

Trump did not plant the seed of hatred, racism, misogyny, homophobia, and nationalism in the minds and hearts of his most ardent followers.

It was already there.

He just told them it was their right to embrace those things, and ok to display them openly without shame.

He didn't create them. He emboldened them.

And the reason so many people are enraged about his being voted out is because they believe they will have to quell those feelings again, and go back into hiding.

So when you encounter snarky little comments on posts you made about racial equality, gender acceptance, empathy, women's rights, or wearing a ******* mask as you should, know that many of those comments are tiny flames of anger, wanting to burn a little bit longer.

And they will. Dear God, they will.

 

WTF Just Happened? (Day 17)

 

Very few people will likely read this. If you did, thank you. The world is very distracted right now.

However, if you unilaterally support President Trump, this is probably going to piss you off. Be aware.

This past week the US Capitol was stormed by a mob of right-wing nutcases goaded on by the President of the United States in an attempt to overthrow our democracy. He did this with malice, direct intent, and committed treason against the USA in so doing. 

(No, I don't care if you disagree with any of those statements. My blog. I say what I want. Unfriend me if you wish; six people have already done so this week.)

In the days following, the world polarized itself even further. Most republicans made excuses for Trump's act or claimed it wasn't actually right wingnuts who did it but Antifa in disguise. Democrats demonized the right in all levels and forms. One thing was certain, to me anyway, and that was the President of the United States was having a field day. He had made people hate one another even more, a small consolation for his LEGALLY lost election. Just like the king in this cartoon:

So the pitchfork people marched to the capitol and laid siege to it. Shattering windows, carrying pipe bombs and guns and confederate/TRUMP flags, all the while claiming that the torch people were trying to confirm an election that was full of corruption.

Yesterday, on one of of my Facebook friends' pages, they had made a post calling all democrats "vile, evil people." Being a democrat myself, I asked them if I was a vile, evil person also. They informed me that I support and vote for vile, evil people, regardless of that question.

So there we are. (No, I will not say who this person is. Don't ask.)

I tried to think of words to say today, but none of them seemed to fit what my heart was feeling. What I do know, is that a lot of "torch" people are claiming Donald Trump is stupid. No, he is not. Perhaps about how a government works, yes, but not about how to work a crowd. He's brilliant at that. The past 4 years, he has been skillfully crafting a defense against an outcome that he knew was imminent.

He told his base that he was their only friend, and that he was the only one who was listening to them. When you feel small, let me tell you, having someone say they care about you and they are listening to you is a very powerful thing.

He told his base that he would tell them the news sources to listen to, and to be skeptical of all others. By doing so, he directed their preferred news sources to ones he could control.

He told his base that if they heard any news that painted him in a bad light, to immediately dismiss it as "fake news" meant to discredit him. In so doing, he made sure that all news sources other than him personally could potentially be wrong, no matter how damning the evidence.

He told his base that the world was controlled by liberals; especially the media. In doing so, he made ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, all major newspapers, and all international news sources appear dishonest, so that nothing they reported would be taken seriously by them.

He told his base that the world was jealous of America, and that any country that criticized us was an enemy. This made sure any show of scorn from anyone outside our borders would be ignored.

He told his base that his was the party of Christianity, and anyone who criticized his party was not on the side of God. By doing this, he made them feel as though they were the ones doing God's work, and the other side was the side of apostasy.

(This also ensured that any time anyone questioned their actions as being contrary to what the Bible said Christians should be, it meant that they were being persecuted. The Bible clearly states that Christians will be persecuted, and to be thankful when you are (James 1:2), because it means you are not a part of this world (John 15:19), and those who criticize you are. This often creates a false sense of pride in being a Christian, making you think "Thank goodness I am not a sinner like them!" (Luke 18:9-14)

He told his base that any republican who was critical of him was a RINO, and that made them worse than democrats. Doing this, he made sure that all inside voices of reason were silenced.

He told his base that if he lost the election, it would be due to voter fraud, and that the left would try to convince them it was an honest election to cover up their agenda. In doing so, he ensured that if he lost, he could throw the country into chaos, pitting the citizens against themselves for his own amusement.

And now, here we are. Right where he wanted us.

The war cry of "Stop the steal!" was emblazoned on the lips of his supporters. Psychology is at work, here. If you are playing cards with someone, and they cheat, you know they are dishonest, and you simply throw your cards down and the game is done. You don't play with them anymore. If they steal from you, however like grabbing your chips when you weren't looking, you will jump up and demand they return them, wrestling them from their hand if need be. Trump knew that if he portrayed this as a stolen election rather than just a fraudulent one, he could create a sense of entitlement in his supporters, so that if he lost, they would see it as them having been ripped off.

I asked my nephew (who works in DC) that if Trump lost, how long would it take the nation to heal? He said "We will be fighting them (his base) for a least a generation." (A generation is 20-30 years, for reference.)

Trump's base HATES Joe Biden. You will NOT convince them to respect him, much less agree with him. Don't even try. Trump's base is LOST and we will never get them back. The only way we will get them back is if they are willing to abandon Trump, and they NEVER will.

So what we must do as Americans is unite together in the groups that still are willing to listen to one another. We have to have EMPATHY. Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy is being willing to understand why another person feels how they do.

You can have EMPATHY for Adolf Hitler, for example, even though he deserves no SYMPATHY.

Americans have to learn empathy. We have to be willing to understand one another. This begins not by saying "What the hell is wrong with you?" to someone on the other side. It begins by you listening to them. A lot of what they believe may be incorrect, or spun in ways littered with confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance. You have to be willing to listen and disagree with them kindly and politely. It may not work, but we must try.

I am a WWII buff, specifically in the area of Nazi Germany and the Holocaust. I could write pages on this, but instead I will just share this video by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the governor of California. He is a republican, an immigrant, and contrary to what many think, he isn't just a movie star. Actors are often told they should keep their political opinions to themselves and stick to acting. The problem is that they are people like everyone else, and actually have ideas and opinions. Most are very well thought out, and all are relevant. 

As ALL people are.

Depth of Field (Day 16)

 

It's been a while since I have blogged. To be honest, I haven't had the emotional energy. Politics made me tired. School made me tired. Religion made me tired. People made me tired. But this is a new year, and I'm trying to make positive changes. One is to stop holding my feelings inside. For the past few months, I have been steering clear of talking about controversial topics in my posts out of fear that I might offend a friend or a customer. I've put myself in a "jail of caution". What resulted was almost no change whatsoever. Some friends still ignored me. Some customers still vanished. So for all my worry, the outcome still happened. So screw that. I'm going to talk about things I want to talk about, and let the consequences occur where they may.

First, a word about politics. I think most people know how I lean (heavily) on that. So I'm not going to discuss them. Period. Ever.

Everything else is open season. I'm going to blog once a week, on Mondays. So buckle in. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm a photographer, and while most of my work is in portraiture, I do love still life and fine art photography. The two images below were both taken at the same time, with the same lens:

The first image was taken with my lens set at F/2.0 aperture. The second was taken at F/22. As you can see, in the first image, only the vine in the forefront is in focus; everything else melts away into a blur. People pay a lot of money to get a lens that does that; a lens that can make the background vanish. In the second image, the vine in front is still in focus, but the vines behind it are now very much visible.

I'll admit, it's pleasant to only see what we want to see. To make believe that what we are and what we believe is the only thing that matters, or the thing that matters most. I used to believe that. I attended a church where the only Bible was the KJV and translations based off it, and any religion outside of our own was to some degree wrong. I was told that the Bible I held in front of me was in inerrant and inspired Word of God, and to question any of it, or insinuate anything might be misconstrued or mistranslated was exactly what Satan wanted. That deviating from it in any way was a sin, and that included questioning whether or not this word or verse might have more than one meaning. In short, if you question the bible, you are falling into a trap created by Satan to make you fall away from God.

I believed, for example, that being gay was a choice. I believed acting on being gay was a sin. I also believed that being a democrat or liberal meant you were a baby killer and a worshiper of the immoral. I proudly set my sights on bringing as many people around to my way of thinking as I could, because, I believed that was what Christ called us to do. I had my aperture set firmly at F/2.0, seeing everything that was behind that first vine as something that should be erased from view, or questioned harshly.

Over the years, some major events occurred in my life that made my aperture begin to see more of the big picture. I won't go into all of them in this post, but I will address a lot of them in upcoming ones. I now believe that being gay is not a choice any more than being straight. That people of the same sex have just as much a right to love one another and marry as straight people do. I am well aware that those beliefs will be seen by many evangelicals as my faith being tainted by sin, and that as a result, I may be given greater scrutiny, or even not allowed to teach in the future, which is something I love more than anything. 

I do love the Lord with all my heart. I do not believe being gay or being a liberal is a sin. There is nothing you can say to me that will change that. I had a discussion with a friend a few months ago, wherein after us talking about this for a bit said "Daniel, do you believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God?" I said I did. They said "Then are you saying that some of the Word of God is wrong?" I said that some of it may have been intentionally mistranslated for personal preference or agenda. They said that is exactly what Satan wanted me to believe, and that I have fallen into a well-laid trap. I don't fault them for saying that, because until I allowed my heart and eyes to open, I felt the same way.

I am well aware that many will disagree with me on that one point. That's fine. I've actually had people ask me if I have turned gay, and that's why I'm choosing this way of believing. I've had people unfollow me, unfriend me, and shut me out of their lives over it. I know that a lot of people who used to read my posts and blogs won't even see this one because they have hidden me from their feeds...setting their minds at F/2.0. Understand, it's not that they don't see the vines in the background, it's that they have chosen to either ignore them, or say they are in some way wrong.

It's convenient to set your mind at F/2.0. You don't have to care about as many things or consider them. In the movie "The Matrix", Neo was unaware of the world right in front of him until he took the red pill.

I took the red pill. I'm going to lose friends over that. I'm going to be told that the red pill was poisonous and that I'm being deceived. However, the friends I have gained by seeing them and loving them and embracing them are gifts I would never give back. 

I choose love. I choose acceptance. I choose tolerance. 

I've lost church friends over this. I've lost teaching opportunities. I've lost leadership roles. I've been kicked out of groups and churches and told I'm not welcome anymore. It absolutely breaks my heart, and I have dealt with crushing depression and PTSD because of it. Things I will never overcome, but yet I will bear for the sake of love.

This is already running long, and many won't even bother reading it. We have become a generation of "TLDR". (Too long, didn't read.) We'll spend hours scrolling through photos of puppies and pointless memes but won't take 10 minutes to open our hearts and minds to something new. 

However, this is what my heart has been screaming to talk about; and not just the LGBTQ+ community; so many other things. These are things I will talk about this year, with the knowledge that doing so may rob me of so much more.

As I said, buckle in. Some of what I write will be joyful, and some full of anger and pain. But it's all me.

PTSD (Day 15)

I remember once sitting in the corner of a room surrounded by men. I was told that because of what I had done, there were going to be consequences, and for me to bend over. Hanging from the wall over my head was a cross.

I remember once sitting in the corner of a room surrounded by men. I was told that because of what I had done, there were going to be consequences, and for me to bend over and take it like a man. Hanging from the wall over my head was a cross.

 

I remember once sitting in the corner of a room, surrounded by men. I was told that because of what I had done, there were going to be consequences, and for me to shut the fuck up and take it, and remember who owned this school. Hanging from the wall over my head was a cross.

I remember once sitting in the corner of a room, surrounded by men. I was told that because of what I had done, there were going to be consequences, and for me to sit quietly in this room until my departure. Hanging from the wall over my head was a cross.

 

I remember once sitting in the corner of a room, surrounded by men. I was told that because of what I had done, there were going to be consequences, and for me to hand over my uniform. Hanging from the wall over my head was a cross.

 

The first was a toolshed. The second was a principal's office. The third was the back hall of a gymnasium. The fourth was a parsonage. The fifth was a church. The central theme of men controlling the situation and determining justice based upon their own agenda, all underneath the watchful gaze of the cross should have been enough to turn anyone away from God altogether. Or, at the very least, cause the symbol of the cross to be a hated one.

But one day I sat down with a pastor and shared this story with him. I told him that I had been clinically diagnosed with PTSD, and that my doctor had said it was given to me by the church. The pastor put his hand up and said "I would change that from the church to a church." 

 

Perhaps so. 

Some people might read those opening sentences with the recurring theme and use the quote "If wherever you go there's a problem, guess what?", insinuating that I am the problem. However, I can absolutely testify to the fact that more harm has been done by men acting under their supposed "authority from God" than by people wanting nothing to do with that authority. 

 

The majority of people who used to follow me on Facebook when I was a good little conservative republican Southern Baptist have either unfollowed me, or unfriended me. That's fine. They are probably seeing me as one of the people God refers to in I Timothy 4:1, when actually, I love God more than I think I ever have in my life. I just detest our so-called president, (who was impeached) which sadly, many of them think is God's angelic messenger--even comparing him to Jesus.

Jesus would be nauseated by that, and probably is. But I digress.

PTSD has been the catalyst in my life for the most good, and the most bad. For example, I deal with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, and PTSD. But the three former have only made me twitchy and annoyed and sad from day to day. PTSD has made me contemplate suicide. I've attempted 4 times in my life, and contemplated dozens of times. But it has also given me a purpose: To find others who deal with the same thing, and uplift them with both Christian and/or secular encouragement. 

For those who say "Christian counseling is the only counseling you need.", again, let me respectfully disagree. As an example, I went to a counselor for weeks who had a cross on his wall, and the only thing I came away with was "pray more and the PTSD will be less". That's some first class textbook advice, let me tell you. It's about as worthwhile as telling a stage 4 cancer patient that if they will just pray more, God will heal them. 

 

Spoiler alert: God never promised he would heal our bodies. Jesus only said "Thy Will be done."

However, one day, I went out for dinner with former co-workers and something huge happened. I was sitting at the table in this crowded restaurant with my friends around me, and I got a sudden cramp in my leg. I quickly pushed my chair back to straighten my leg, and I inadvertently collided with the back of another chair at the table behind me. I turned, and to my horror, there was a little girl in the chair who looked terrified of what had just occurred. I apologized to her profusely, and then looked at her father and apologized to him over and over also. You could see the look on their faces of "Look, we don't know you. You scared our little girl. Kindly go back to your dinner and leave us the hell alone. This is awkward and you are upsetting us with your apologies."

I saw there was an empty chair at the end of our table, off to itself. I picked up my stuff and moved to that chair so I wouldn't accidently bump the little girl again. I love children more than anything in the world, and the idea of upsetting one mentally destroys me. As I sat down, one of my coworkers looked at me and said "Why did you move?" I told her I didn't want to risk making the situation at the other table worse. She smiled, put her hand on my shoulder, and said "You aren't going to make it worse. It's over now. They've probably forgotten all about it. Your anxiety is causing this. You love kids, and your depression and anxiety is making you relive it over and over. You're reliving it right now, aren't you?"

I nearly broke down. This woman without any type of psychology degree or medical licensing did more for me in that one moment than weeks of counseling by a person with a diploma on one wall and a cross on the other. Because she understood.

More harm has been done underneath emblems and symbols than we can ever know. Sometimes, the greatest encouragement comes from the chair next to you, rather than the chair across from you.

To be continued.

Living With Mental Illness (Day 14)

I often find memes that sum up so perfectly the things that I deal with in life. Some are quite amusing, like the one below:

Ladies and gentleman, that one right there is not just a daily thing, it's a moment by moment thing. Like right now, I am not particularly worried about anything, but if I think for a moment, I will come up with something. Like that customer I worked with the other day. As they were leaving, they kind of gave me a weird vibe like they were not sure what to think about me. Maybe they didn't like me...maybe they thought I was creepy...maybe I was too nice to them and they think I'm a freak...maybe I said something wrong and now they will tell everyone they know about the creepy photographer....OMG this is horrible!!

I could worry about that for the next hour, but I have stuff to do.

Several very nice people have pointed out that some people may not read my blog entries because they are too long, or too disorganized. I should stick to the point and be real and raw with it. As for too long, if you can scroll Facebook for an hour with no problem, too long isn't an issue.

You make time for the things that matter to you.

Do with that as you will.

As for organized, I can try to do that. So here we go.

Yesterday in church our pastor said that we should come to God in our times of distress, and when we do, to make sure we are REAL with God. Don't mince words or think we have to be proper or hide our anger and frustration. If you need to tell God "You know what? You FUCKING PISS ME OFF, God!" then do so. God welcomes our raw emotions, and much prefers them to us trying to hide our feelings behind propriety and pride.

Today I saw a tweet/meme that hit me so hard I had to take a moment to fully process it and appreciate it for it's succint summary of my life. It's so accurate I almost want a t-shirt with this tweet on it.

You ready for this?

My friends....

Holy. FFFFCRAP.

I remember once being in a meeting that had been called by a few people regarding a position I held, and after being told I was being removed from that position, I was told by one of the men "Daniel I don't think you intentionally do things that make people uncomfortable, I think you are just misunderstood."

I've heard that line so many times before in regard to me. "I think you are just misunderstood." It's usually followed by (or preceded by) my being fired, dismissed, removed, ostracized, swept under the rug, or put away quietly. What they really mean by that statement is "I'm sure you don't see anything wrong with what you did/said, but the rest of the normal world doesn't understand it, so...yeah."

But here's the thing. Here's the hell of it. Here's the absolute soul-sucking, maddening, terrifying, damning reality that I deal with every day:

I know when I am about to do these things.

Yep. I see myself about to do the thing(s) that I know in the past has gotten me in trouble, gotten me ousted from a group or a position, or made a customer/friend/church family member suspect that something isn't right with me, and I do it anyway.

And that person will find it's easier to just avoid me rather than say "Daniel, what you did/said the other day made me uncomfortable."

But, you know, because I'm an empath, it wouldn't matter which one they did. If they avoid me without telling me what I did wrong, I will wonder forever what the horrible thing was that I did to them to make them do that. However, if they come out and tell me I hurt them/creeped them out, I will hate myself for it, and probably try to FIX what I did by offering to do whatever I need to do TO fix it, when actually, they just want me to leave them alone now. Which makes it even worse, because if they want me to leave them alone, I must have done something TRULY horrible, and that makes me question whether or not I am even WORTH dealing with as a person, and maybe the world would be better off if I wasn't even here....

Whew. Ok. Back to the point.

When your car hits a patch of water and you hydroplane, you have this horrible feeling of SEEING your complete loss of control and watching it happen while you sit helplessly trying to turn a steering wheel that isn't doing anything.

That's what this is like. You are aware of your self-destructive behavior. You see it about to happen. You remember what happened the last time you did/said this. Your brain (for a microsecond) says "Don't do it!" but then the other 90% of your brain, the part that isn't wired correctly, says "I should do it, because that's what I do, or it's what I want to do, or it will make me feel like I have a purpose, and maybe they will be happy with it, and maybe they will actually like me for it, and maybe it will make their day, or maybe it will make them laugh, or maybe it will make them smile, and it will make me feel like today isn't just another day where I feel like an human anomoly...

And so I do the thing.

And the person avoids me the next time they see me. (Or avoids me after the 10th time I've done it.)

So yeah.

If you happen to be one of those people who was the victim of my awkward...

Sorry about that.

Just wanted to post it again for emphasis.

Also, and this is crucial, here is something I need to put out there. In fact, it's so important that I am going to make a graphic so you can save it and share it if you like.

I think I'm not going to write any more for a while.

My brain is tired.

Depression (Day 12)

This blog post will be painfully short. Mainly because it's emphasis is going to be placed on just one thing.

Adjusting to new medications when you deal with mental illness is hard. Those of you who deal with this know this.

As adults, if we have a chronic condition like IBS or Fibromyalgia or Diabetes, and we have to change medications, we say to ourselves "This is gonna suck, but I'm an adult, and I've gotta deal with it." Maybe we will have to fight with constipation, insomnia, dry mouth, or other physical annoyances. As adults, we accept that, and move forward.

People with mental illness deal with a second blow when we are adjusting to new medications. Specifically, ones that target the mental illness itself. When we make the medication change, we often have no idea how our mind is going to respond to it. Will we have vivid hallucinations? Will suicidal thoughts creep in? Will we become hyper-OCD? Will our world become a roller-coaster of highs and lows that rival the most manic of bipolar episodes? Will everything be ok again? We have no idea.

Today I am adjusting to new medication. I'm very twitchy and spazzy today. It's also making me hyper-aware of every tiny little thing around me. I startle like I've heard a gunshot every time an acorn hits our tin roof.

And there are a lot of acorns.

Here is my point: If you know someone who deals with mental illness, and they happen to share with you that they are adjusting to new medications, please, for the love of all that is decent and holy, EMPATHIZE with them. Give them an extra measure of understanding that day, or week. We need it more than you can understand.

For those who deal with mental illness, I'm also giving a shout-out to you. You know what this @#$%^& is like.



via GIPHY