I tried on a dress...

 

Well, sort of. 

As an experiment.

A demonstration for myself and for others.

Let me explain:

As a sociologist, we are constantly searching to understand the societal constructs that make up the world. This means going beyond research on paper and diving into the real world, often making yourself part of the experiment. If you are a good sociologist, that is.

I'm a 47 year old man, cisgendered, and 100% straight. But one day, I was listening to a podcast by a woman who was transgender. She had been born male, but now was living as female. It took her 24 years to come out and begin living as a woman. She had grown up in a conservative home with parents who had no idea she was trans. She would steal clothes from her older sister and hide them in a box in the basement, venturing down there to try them on and wear them for a few hours here and there while she was home alone.

The few times she had hinted about buying clothes that weren't blatantly masculine (or neutral) as she grew up, she had been given a sharp rebuff. "Guys don't wear pink." or "Those shoes look too girly." So she gave up on this until she could buy her own clothes, usually from Goodwill, because they charged by the piece and didn't examine each item as it went into the bag.

She said--

"For those who don't understand what it's like to be forced to wear clothes that don't match your gender, and yes, I am primarily aiming this toward straight men, I want you to do something for me. Go to Goodwill, find a dress that will fit you, and go into the dressing room and try it on. Make sure you take off everything but your boxers before you do. Cinch it up or jerk it down so that it will fit as it should. Now, look at yourself in the mirror, and don't look away for a full 30 seconds. If the feeling you get when you do that is one of embarrassment, horror, extreme awkwardness, and the desire to get that thing off as quickly as possible, you have just been given a small taste of what trans people endure every day prior to coming out to the world. Also, so you can relate to trans people like myself who waited until I was an adult to make this change, imagine not changing out of it, and instead stepping outside the dressing room wearing it, and continuing to shop. If the idea of doing that fills you with terror, you are experiencing a micro-slice of what it felt like the day I finally had the courage to wear the clothes that matched my gender out in public. I had been told my entire life that the clothing I secretly wanted to wear was not what "real" guys wore, and so I developed an aversion to my own body's identity. A reverse-body-dysphoria. Not hating my body, but hating what my body needed and wanted. That was how I lived every day until my coming out, and a picture of the identity complex I had to overcome once I did."

And--

"Imagine being a woman who was in an abusive marriage where the husband made her believe that only women who are whores experience pleasure from sex. So you spend your entire life trying to not enjoy it, until one day, the asshole leaves you for another woman. Then, years later, you meet a good man. A man who wants you to enjoy it, and when you are with him, you do. But you have been made to believe that to enjoy it is bad, so you feel bad for enjoying it, and when you climax, you feel like a piece of trash. You've been made to believe that what was natural to you was unnatural, and now you have to relearn how to experience this, all while shutting out the damage inflicted by the person before. That's what this is like."

So, as I mentioned before, I tried on a dress. Well, I cheated, and only held it up against me after getting out of the shower, but as I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt the horror she mentioned. I looked like a man in a dress. A big, fat, hairy man holding up a woman's sundress against his body. I imagined what it would be like if I actually put it on and went to the store. I shuddered at the thought. I would want to wear a bag over my head and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. 

Then I tried to imagine what it would be like, if in my heart, that was what I really wanted to wear. All my life I have been trained to believe that men dress like men, and that a man in a dress just looks...wrong. I'm lucky, so lucky that I don't have a desire to wear a dress...because my brain would not be okay with it. 

And as I type this, I think, "The people who need to read this have probably already unfollowed or blocked me, so why am I even writing this?" Maybe it's in the hopes that there is a dad (or mom) out there who needs to read it who hasn't hidden me from their feed. Maybe their child is trans, and would benefit from their parents understanding this one aspect of it.

I tried on a dress.

I challenge other men who have never done so (outside of wearing one as a joke or on halloween) to do this as well. Stand there for a moment wearing it, and try to feel beautiful. This is what that trans person has been trying to do all their life.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

I'm so, so sorry.

 

I'm sorry. With all my heart. For so much of what I did and said. More on that in a moment.

The other day I was listening to a podcast, and one of the guests, a transgender guy (born female, now male) was talking about the day he came out to his parents. That morning, before his parents woke up, he went through his closet and packed all his clothes that were feminine in any form into boxes marked for donation. What he was left with was a handful of t-shirts, a couple of pairs of jeans, and not much else. He took a deep breath, said goodbye to the girl he had been expected to embody for 15 years, and went downstairs wearing jeans and a heavy metal band shirt. He asked his mom and dad if he could talk to them for a few minutes.

After pouring his heart out, pleading for understanding, and holding firm to who he was, he waited for them to respond. His mother burst into tears and left the room. His father spoke calmly, but with the intent of showing he would not back down either:

"You asked us to not say anything until you had finished, and now I expect the same from you as I tell you how I feel about this on a factual level." Dad said.

"The fact you have rejected your gender means you have rejected who God planned you to be; that tells me you value yourself more than you value God."

"You reject your gender with pride, and with a happiness surrounding this new identity. That tells me you do not feel remorse or shame about rejecting God's plan."

"You show unwavering support for others doing the same thing, and that tells me you are encouraging others to reject God's gift as well, as they see fit."

"Evidence of salvation in Christ is shown by our humility, and our recognition that we have sinned. People who are saved may stray, but they know what they are doing is wrong. You seem to see nothing wrong with what you are doing--so this tells me you are not saved as we believed and as you claimed to be."

"You have said that you have no plans to ever go back to who you were, even though I say you still are that, whether you want to be or not."

"Because you have rejected God's gift, rejected God's plan, have no remorse or shame for it, and have no plans to ever repent, it tells me you have chosen the flesh over God, and over us."

"Satan roams the earth seeking to devour who he may. You have chosen the flesh and the world over God, which means that you have chosen Satan. You embrace Satan--with open arms. And that means you are bound for Hell. And since you show no shame or remorse, it means you are likely beyond redemption."

"My daughter has chosen Hell." he said, refusing to honor his request to be called son. "She has chosen Satan. She has chosen the flesh. And she will probably die condemned. Permanent separation from God and from us for all eternity. You are bound for Hell, by your own choice."

After he finished speaking, the young man cried as he ascended the stairs to his room. Not because he believed he was bound for Hell, but because he still loved Jesus, and his father had just claimed his love for Christ and his family was a lie.

~~~

I'm writing this blog post to apologize. For years I taught children in church and conveyed to them as they began their prepubescent years that God did not approve of homosexuality and I painted images of when he incinerated Sodom and Gomorrah. I made children fear God's wrath at homosexuality, and when I taught teenagers in the church, I did the same thing. I shamed the LGBTQ+ community, and said they were rejecting God and turning to sin. I told them that homosexuality was a more detestable sin than others, and to accept it or defend it was to defend sin and Satan.

I made children and teenagers (who might have been secretly feeling they might be gay or trans in some form) feel that they were perverted and corrupt. I shamed them for their feelings, and hurt their hearts in the process. I hurt their hearts because I was a figure they trusted--someone they looked up to--and I told them that these feelings were sinful and shameful if they were having them.

I know one person on my friend list who was one of my church kids who is now openly and outwardly trans. I hope he can forgive me for what I said back then.  I hope others will as well, who I may not know, or have not come out yet.

I support you. 

I have no doubt there are people in the church who will read this and immediately go to I Timothy 4:1 and say this is evidence I have rejected God. 

So be it. I choose the love that Christ asked us to show to all, and empathy for those who have been made to feel ashamed.

I choose the hearts of those children who are now adults and young adults.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for who I was and how I made you feel. You deserved so much more understanding and support. 

I offer it now, without condition or reservation.