I often find memes that sum up so perfectly the things that I deal with in life. Some are quite amusing, like the one below:
Ladies and gentleman, that one right there is not just a daily thing, it's a moment by moment thing. Like right now, I am not particularly worried about anything, but if I think for a moment, I will come up with something. Like that customer I worked with the other day. As they were leaving, they kind of gave me a weird vibe like they were not sure what to think about me. Maybe they didn't like me...maybe they thought I was creepy...maybe I was too nice to them and they think I'm a freak...maybe I said something wrong and now they will tell everyone they know about the creepy photographer....OMG this is horrible!!
I could worry about that for the next hour, but I have stuff to do.
Several very nice people have pointed out that some people may not read my blog entries because they are too long, or too disorganized. I should stick to the point and be real and raw with it. As for too long, if you can scroll Facebook for an hour with no problem, too long isn't an issue.
You make time for the things that matter to you.
Do with that as you will.
As for organized, I can try to do that. So here we go.
Yesterday in church our pastor said that we should come to God in our times of distress, and when we do, to make sure we are REAL with God. Don't mince words or think we have to be proper or hide our anger and frustration. If you need to tell God "You know what? You FUCKING PISS ME OFF, God!" then do so. God welcomes our raw emotions, and much prefers them to us trying to hide our feelings behind propriety and pride.
Today I saw a tweet/meme that hit me so hard I had to take a moment to fully process it and appreciate it for it's succint summary of my life. It's so accurate I almost want a t-shirt with this tweet on it.
You ready for this?
Holy. FFFFCRAP.
I remember once being in a meeting that had been called by a few people regarding a position I held, and after being told I was being removed from that position, I was told by one of the men "Daniel I don't think you intentionally do things that make people uncomfortable, I think you are just misunderstood."
I've heard that line so many times before in regard to me. "I think you are just misunderstood." It's usually followed by (or preceded by) my being fired, dismissed, removed, ostracized, swept under the rug, or put away quietly. What they really mean by that statement is "I'm sure you don't see anything wrong with what you did/said, but the rest of the normal world doesn't understand it, so...yeah."
But here's the thing. Here's the hell of it. Here's the absolute soul-sucking, maddening, terrifying, damning reality that I deal with every day:
I know when I am about to do these things.
Yep. I see myself about to do the thing(s) that I know in the past has gotten me in trouble, gotten me ousted from a group or a position, or made a customer/friend/church family member suspect that something isn't right with me, and I do it anyway.
And that person will find it's easier to just avoid me rather than say "Daniel, what you did/said the other day made me uncomfortable."
But, you know, because I'm an empath, it wouldn't matter which one they did. If they avoid me without telling me what I did wrong, I will wonder forever what the horrible thing was that I did to them to make them do that. However, if they come out and tell me I hurt them/creeped them out, I will hate myself for it, and probably try to FIX what I did by offering to do whatever I need to do TO fix it, when actually, they just want me to leave them alone now. Which makes it even worse, because if they want me to leave them alone, I must have done something TRULY horrible, and that makes me question whether or not I am even WORTH dealing with as a person, and maybe the world would be better off if I wasn't even here....
Whew. Ok. Back to the point.
When your car hits a patch of water and you hydroplane, you have this horrible feeling of SEEING your complete loss of control and watching it happen while you sit helplessly trying to turn a steering wheel that isn't doing anything.
That's what this is like. You are aware of your self-destructive behavior. You see it about to happen. You remember what happened the last time you did/said this. Your brain (for a microsecond) says "Don't do it!" but then the other 90% of your brain, the part that isn't wired correctly, says "I should do it, because that's what I do, or it's what I want to do, or it will make me feel like I have a purpose, and maybe they will be happy with it, and maybe they will actually like me for it, and maybe it will make their day, or maybe it will make them laugh, or maybe it will make them smile, and it will make me feel like today isn't just another day where I feel like an human anomoly...
And so I do the thing.
And the person avoids me the next time they see me. (Or avoids me after the 10th time I've done it.)
So yeah.
If you happen to be one of those people who was the victim of my awkward...
Sorry about that.
Just wanted to post it again for emphasis.
Also, and this is crucial, here is something I need to put out there. In fact, it's so important that I am going to make a graphic so you can save it and share it if you like.
I think I'm not going to write any more for a while.
My brain is tired.
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