Body Automony - Day 24

 

I like hugs. 

Check that; I love hugs. I am a hugging person. (If I like you.)

But not everybody likes hugs. 

Some people are "touch-me-nots", and that's how it is.

Some people like hugs, but only from certain people.

Some people only want a hug if THEY ask for one.

Some people only want side-hugs.

And all of that is okay. 

We got this book from the library today, and it is excellent:

One day, years ago, I was at someone's house for Christmas, and a family member arrived to say hello and Merry Christmas. The family member was a man, and was obviously someone the kids recognized. He got down on one knee, held out his arms, and said "Come here!" The oldest kid, (Jenna) who was about 8, cried out "Uncle Jake!" and ran over to him, hugging him. The younger child (Jeffrey) did not. Mom, seeing this, said to the Jeffrey "Now don't be mean. Go over and hug Uncle Jake. You'll make him sad."

Whoa. 

Back the truck up.

Never, ever do that to a kid. 

You are telling that child that they are obligated to touch this person in a way that makes them uncomfortable, and that if they don't, they are responsible for that person being sad. You are making that child's desire to retain their body autonomy something to be ashamed of, and guilt tripping them into feeling violated.

Maybe at one point in Jeffrey's life, Uncle Jake touched him in a way that made him afraid of him. Maybe it was an accident, maybe not.

Maybe Uncle Jake has nothing to do with this, but another family member touched him that way. Or maybe his teacher did. Or his coach. Or a stranger did. You don't know. So by making Jeffrey hug Uncle Jake, you are adding to his trauma.

Or, maybe, like Doug, Jeffrey just doesn't like hugs.

This also extends to terms of endearment or words of affection. Another time, I was at someone's house and a female family member, the child's grandmother arrived and after she talked with mom for a bit, looked over at the child and said "Well, Nanny has to go. I love you, Kay Kay."

Kay Kay smiled and waved.

Mom said "Kay Kay, that's rude. Tell Nanny you love her."

Kay Kay lowered her eyes and buried her face in her hands.

Mom: "Kay Kay. Tell your grandmother you love her. She brought you toys last time. You are hurting her feelings."

Kay Kay started crying, but said "I love you."

Grandma extended her arms for a hug.

Kay Kay complied, awkwardly, and then went and sat back down.

When Grandma left, mom scolded Kay Kay for being mean and not "Giving Nanny loves."

The thing is, maybe Kay Kay doesn't love Nanny like that. Maybe she likes Nanny, but doesn't love her--yet.

Or maybe, Nanny has done something that made Kay Kay nervous at some point; perhaps on accident, perhaps not.

Body autonomy extends to verbal. If we teach our children that they must respond in kind to statements of affection from people, we take away their right to their outward feelings and inject the idea that their words are not their own.

Kay Kay may love Nanny, but she just doesn't want to say it.

Kay Kay may not love Nanny right now, but maybe she will one day.

Kay Kay may never love Nanny like that. 

And all of that is okay.

The Covid pandemic (for those among us who took it seriously, as they should) brought about the concept of "elbow bumps" and "air hugs". I can't help but think how many people were overjoyed at this, because now they have an excuse for not hugging or touching.

Let's keep that going. 

I myself like hugs. 

No, I love hugs. (As long as I like you.)

But not everyone does.

Don't make your kids hug people, or make them say "I love you." to them.

The end.