Depression (Part 1)

I'm an INFP in everyday life. 

I'm an INFJ at work.

I'm an ENFJ when I am shooting portraits.

I'm an ENFP when I'm teaching.

That "NF" part of my MBTI makes me very intolerant of and uncomfortable around conflict. It also makes me detest bullies, and people who say things like "Aw, you gonna cry little snowflake? Well, time to grow up and be a man! Stop being pathetic and useless and quit expecting people to sympathize with your social justice war. Waaaah wittle baby!!"

Those are the kind of people who need to be phased out, in my opinion. So when we elected their pompous windbag of a leader to the highest office in the land back in 2016, I was absolutely disgusted and livid. I immediately made my opinion very plain and clear on social media, and my liberal ideas and progressive views made a lot of my ultra-conservative friends unfollow me. (On Facebook, you can unfollow someone and still be their friend, which is the equivalent of stopping saying hello to your neighbor every morning and asking how their day is, but not deleting their contact info in your phone. Because you never know, you might need to call them one day and ask a favor.)

Because a lot of people unfollowed me, the blog posts I wrote went unseen and unnoticed by a lot of people. People who regularly interacted with me, and said I should write more about this or that suddenly stopped reading. So I gradually just stopped writing. Writing about things I care about takes a lot of energy out of me, so I pick and choose what to blog about almost as carefully as I choose what I want to have for dinner on my birthday.

At my last therapy session, my therapist asked if I ever took the time to blog or write about my depression. Many people do, whether publicly or as a private online journal. He pointed out that since my degree path in college is to work with children who have experienced trauma, that I need to get used to speaking about my own journey openly. He's right, I know, and while I'm not embarrassed to talk about it, I feel like I need to start at the beginning. Just an abbreviated version of that beginning, anyway. I've made a lot of new friends since 2016, so it's possible some of you only know about me because of my portrait photography. My therapist said that artists are often deep sufferers of clinical depression. Not that art causes depression, but that depression inspires art. We feel so much "ugly" from the outside world on a day to day basis that we try to create beauty to balance it out.

I'm going to divide this up into 5 posts..maybe more. This one may be a little longer than the others because of the need to introduce myself and the ideas I'm going to cover. So here we go:

Hi, I'm Daniel. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD), clinical anxiety, panic, and PTSD. Most people who meet me for the first time would never believe any of those things, but it's because like most people who deal with these conditions, I am very good at hiding them. We've been doing it for years though, whether we were aware of our diagnosis or not.

Let me dispel a few myths and misunderstandings about each aspect of my diagnosis. Maybe you know someone with one of these issues, and this will better help you understand them.

Depression is an illness, not a mood. Yes, someone without depression can become depressed, but they usually find their way out of it when their mood improves. A child whose dog dies may become depressed for a few weeks, but the wound heals, and they get better. Depression on a clinical scale does not just automatically go away. It's not a mood, it's a chemical imbalance in our system. Medications can help, but nothing will actually fix it. (Not even all the love in the world.) Also, (and I know this is gonna piss off a few people) believing in prayer and church and God and Jesus doesn't automatically fix things. This is a medical condition, and if you want to say "God will heal your depression if you let him! Bask in the love of Jesus and you will feel that depression wash away!" then imagine saying that same thing to the stage 4 cancer patient in your church. If you wouldn't promise them God will heal them, don't tell us that if we focus on Jesus, our depression will go away. It doesn't mean we don't love Jesus, or trust Him, it's just that we have the same realistic expectations as the stage-4 cancer patient. (One day at a time.)

Anxiety Disorder is not being nervous or anxious. This is a part of our brain that isn't wired correctly. We can become terrified of our surroundings for no reason. We crave stability and routine, even if that routine is a job with a lot of social interaction. Never tell a person with anxiety "There's nothing to be nervous about. Just calm down." That's like telling someone with a paralyzing fear of heights that there's nothing to be afraid of, just climb the 12-foot ladder and don't think about how high up you are. See how silly that is? I promise you, we are as uncomfortable with our anxiety as you are frustrated by it. We are trying.

Panic disorder can strike at any time. One minute, we are fine. The next minute, we can be seized by a horrible feeling of dread, complete with heart racing and the need to run away. Does it mean we will? No, because we have learned to cope with this as best we can, even to the detriment of our own health. Also, running out of a room just because you feel you must just doesn't work in 90% of life situations, such as work, church, social gatherings, or elevators. (Look up Agoraphobia. I have it, and it's a real thing.) But again, remember, we are trying.

Most people have heard of PTSD. I have a little silicone bracelet that denotes mine that I wear every day. The band on my Fitbit is teal in color to even further call attention to it. Because I live near an army base, and I'm in my 40's, people who see my bracelet immediately interpret it as my being a veteran who has been on the front lines. I'm not, though. I've never been in any branch of military service. I'm also not a first responder like a police officer, firefighter, or EMT, nor have I been held at gunpoint, or any other thing many people associate with causing PTSD. Some of us with PTSD were hurt in other ways; ways we never want to talk about. Moments of physical abuse, intimate betrayal, or even sexual battery. And those only scratch the surface of what can cause PTSD. We are surviving them, though. One day at a time.

People with depression often cling to moments in our life where we remember being happy. For those of us who have loving families and strong support systems, that statement may feel like a punch to the face. I promise you, we know you love us. We know you care about us. We know you want our happiness and joy, perhaps even more than your own. We wish with all our hearts that the support and love you give would make it all better. It helps; my God it helps. Most of us don't have any idea where we would be if it weren't for your love and support. So few people have the emotional strength or mental energy (much less personal investment) to deal with us for longer than a day or so.

Still, we focus on these moments of happiness not because we see them as more important than the people we love and who love us, but because it is a reminder of a time when we didn't feel the depression. Those moments are often so rare that when we lose them, it feels like one more shred of who we could be in the joyful sense has been torn away. We may often mourn the loss of those things in/parts of our life. Maybe it was a job we loved, that we wish we could be back doing once more. Maybe it was a journey we went on (geographic or spiritual) that we feel we won't ever have again. Maybe it was a specific time in our lives that is gone now. Maybe it was a position we held, or a group we led. Maybe it was simply a moment we felt like we had found our purpose on this earth, and then it got snatched away from us. Regardless, we cling to those things. It may seem like an unhealthy act to do so, and perhaps in many ways it is, but it a reminder of when we felt (what we imagined was) normal.

It's all too easy for people without depression (or people who have advanced in the healing process quicker than others) to say "Well you need to just get over it. The job is gone. The journey is over. The position is no longer yours. The group you led has moved on. The purpose you felt you had in life obviously wasn't the right one, so it's time to find a new one."

I promise you three things in regard to that, and then I will close for today.

One, there isn't a day that goes by we don't hope with every bit of hope we have that we will find that new direction you want for us. We think about that every day.

Two, there isn't a day that goes by we don't hope with every bit of hope we have that we will regain those same ones we had before. We think about them every day.

Three, we are trying.

Every day.