Depression (Part 4)

"Tell me about when you were 8 years old." he said.

My therapist isn't like what you'd picture. He wears cargo shorts and sneakers and t-shirts with various 5K and 10K runs he has been a part of on them. I don't think he wears them on purpose, I think they are just very comfortable. I know the shirts I wear when I run are like his.

He also doesn't sit in an armchair with a pad and pencil while I lie down on a couch. He has a little rolling chair that spins, and he often sails across the floor with it when he needs something from one side of the room or the other. My chair is a recliner, and it makes a funny squeak when you rock. Behind him on the opposite wall from me is a poster that has a grizzly bear dancing ballet, and below in huge letters "Be you. Always be you."

"The thing I said I wanted to talk about this time?" I said.

He nods.

For the next 20 minutes, I verbally recall the events that took place that day. He sits quietly, listening. He never interrupts. Even when I get to the parts I know he wants to comment on. When I get to the part where it happens, I look over at him, expecting him to have some sort of reaction. Instead, just a small nod and "Mmm." of concerned acknowledgement. This is something I know I will be facing one day, sitting in his chair, with someone else in my seat. Will I be able to sit as quietly and patiently without speaking out of turn? I don't even know.

When I finish, he says "You seem to have made emotional progress on this particular issue. Maybe this is something you've pushed past, or perhaps pushed back?"

I tell him I don't know, and we talk for a few minutes about it. The way he speaks to me about the memory I shared reminds me a lot of the episode where Mr. Rogers talked about bad people, bad memories, and how to deal with your anger:

The same kind of peaceful voice and calm demeanor show in his eyes as he talks about what I told him. About the person I was angry with. How it’s okay and healthy to be angry, but how it’s what you do with the anger that matters.

“So now we've covered the incident when you were 8. We've talked about what happened in the meeting a few years ago. We talked about what happened on your trip. The incident at work that made you angry. Is there anything else you want to talk about?" he says.

I think for a minute, then say "Nothing that I can think of right now, but can I ask something?"

He nods.

"It's strange," I say. "Let's say a genie popped out of a bottle and said he could make one of these events completely go away--not just the memory, but the event itself. So that I would never have to endure it, or the repercussions. In other words, I get a complete do-over of that day, and can change it any way I like."

He nods.

"Here's the thing: If that genie thing happened, I'd let the thing that took place when I was 8 stay, and instead change everything I said and did the day I went on that trip."

"You'd allow the event when you were 8 to remain, if you could have a do-over on the first day of that trip?"

I nodded.

"Most people would eagerly pick the first one to erase, why the other one instead?"

"Physical wounds heal." I say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think it's important to understand that everyone deals with anger, pain, abuse, grief, and regret in different ways. I remember once reading an article where a woman who was the victim of daily spousal abuse, both physical and sexual, was more hurt by her father not listening to her about the abuse than the abuse itself. Another person who had been the victim of repeated rape at the hands of an abusive lover, was hurt by her best friend abandoning her when she was 14 infinitely more. People who have never been the victim of abuse often don’t fully understand this. To them, physical abuse is seen from the outside, and lines are drawn in black and white, when in reality, the human mind deals with these atrocities in infinite shades of gray.

It’s also important to understand the stigma that goes along with men and women who have been victims of abuse. While it’s difficult to wrap your mind around a little boy or girl being taken advantage of by an adult, it’s impossible to understand the horror that surrounds it. Most abuse victims never talk about the abuse. Girls are often made to feel as though they perpetuated the abuse by dressing inappropriately, acting inappropriately, or giving off  “mixed signals”. Boys are made to feel like they were badly behaved as a child, so they asked for it. (Also, discussing sexual abuse would make people question their manhood.) Thus, the perpetrator already has the cards stacked in their favor against their victim. (I never told my parents anything  about what happened to me, for example.) I could easily write an entirely new blog post (or five) about that topic. Perhaps I will in the future, if enough people ask. (Enough being even one person, actually.) For this one however, I want to stick to this important idea: There are many people out there who would gladly endure more abuse if they could fix this one thing in their life.

Another important thing: Mental illness makes a person additionally vulnerable to abuse. We already see ourselves as damaged, so any new and foreign emotions are often questioned by the person experiencing them. (“Do I really feel this way?”) We can’t trust our mind to behave normally, so our feelings can’t be trusted to be accurate. Many days we want to just give up. Often, the only thing that gets us through is stability shown in another area of life. I don’t know exactly how to best end this blog post, because I have never been that organized in my writing. What I do know, is I recently saw a Twitter post that drove my point in this post home. When you look at the image below, I want you to remember something: It is literally a guarantee that you know someone who is a victim of abuse. The kind of abuse is as widely varied as anyone could imagine. They may have told you about the abuse, or maybe they haven’t. Regardless, in their life, you are a source of stability. With that in mind, be kind to EVERYONE, and never make fun of ANYONE. You never know who might be looking to you as the reason they go forward, rather than giving up.

FYI, I teach English Literature and Psychology to the highschoolers in our homeschool group.

I wonder how many attach(ed) themselves to me.